The Wound Gets Nicked Again

Rebecca asked about how I was doing today during dinner. Even when I don't think she is in tune with me she is usually right there. "I saw you begin to distance yourself after your phone call with your Dad today," she said with concern. "I'm ok." I replied. Since getting off the phone with my Dad I was definitely heading into a different place. I knew inside that my countenance and mood had changed but I wasn't quite sure where it was coming from. I also knew what I felt inside..."I want to escape. I don't want to get hurt." But I wasn't acknowledging it's influence on me throughout the day. Wow, how powerful that voice is still inside my head and heart at times. Despite all the healing and understanding, the wounds still get nicked. The "I want to escape" part usually gives way to thoughts of sex: lust or even appropriate thoughts about Rebecca and I. But, it doesn't take long before I know deep inside that I will not be complete just through sexual intimacy. She reaches out her hand to me in the next moment...and it hits me again: "Don't go there." Whoa, I haven't felt that one in a while. I know that message. That message is usually accompanied by "Where is she looking now?" "Be careful David, she probably has someone else." "You better watch her closely." And sitting in that booth with my family, I realize where I'm at. I am scared. But the scare is manifesting itself in my old nemesis, insecurity. And the insecurity is easily moving towards self-protection and defensiveness..."Don't let her in." Insecurity from the wounds of my heart and my shame from my sexual sin had nearly destroyed Rebecca's heart in the first several years of our marriage and recovery. In the 18 years of our relationship she has never been unfaithful nor has she ever given me a reason to be insecure (I, however, was not the same to her). So deep inside, I know what the truth is, but the fight is on. At first I am pissed that it is back again. The food arrives and we dive into the potato skins and pizza. She stays attuned to me with empathy as we continue to eat. I begin to realize what I need from my heart: to receive her empathy and concern as love. "I'm concerned about our visit next week to your parents. Are you going to be ok?" In my insecurity and resulting defensiveness, I sometimes hear that concern as she wants me to behave, not have any mood issues and be the 'good' boy. That's not what she is saying and I battle through that one in my mind. It begins to sink in: "it is ok to be scared..it's going to be ok." I start to feel some of the love that is always there within the wounds' reach. My God is in that broken place. That feels good. "It's ok." Our youngest daughter, Sarah, begins to giggle and my heart stops to take that love in. I'm coming back...it feels good...I feel safe again. The journey is not over. My heart is not dead. My God is close. My wife expresses His love and grace like no other. It has been another good day on the journey. I'm ready to go again.
May the Lord Bless you today on your Journey.

Peace,

David