Rebecca asked about how I was doing today during dinner. Even when I don't think she is in tune with me she is usually right there. "I saw you begin to distance yourself after your phone call with your Dad today," she said with concern. "I'm ok." I replied. Since getting off the phone with my Dad I was definitely heading into a different place. I knew inside that my countenance and mood had changed but I wasn't quite sure where it was coming from. I also knew what I felt inside..."I want to escape. I don't want to get hurt." But I wasn't acknowledging it's influence on me throughout the day. Wow, how powerful that voice is still inside my head and heart at times. Despite all the healing and understanding, the wounds still get nicked. The "I want to escape" part usually gives way to thoughts of sex: lust or even appropriate thoughts about Rebecca and I. But, it doesn't take long before I know deep inside that I will not be complete just through sexual intimacy. She reaches out her hand to me in the next moment...and it hits me again: "Don't go there." Whoa, I haven't felt that one in a while. I know that message. That message is usually accompanied by "Where is she looking now?" "Be careful David, she probably has someone else." "You better watch her closely." And sitting in that booth with my family, I realize where I'm at. I am scared. But the scare is manifesting itself in my old nemesis, insecurity. And the insecurity is easily moving towards self-protection and defensiveness..."Don't let her in." Insecurity from the wounds of my heart and my shame from my sexual sin had nearly destroyed Rebecca's heart in the first several years of our marriage and recovery. In the 18 years of our relationship she has never been unfaithful nor has she ever given me a reason to be insecure (I, however, was not the same to her). So deep inside, I know what the truth is, but the fight is on. At first I am pissed that it is back again. The food arrives and we dive into the potato skins and pizza. She stays attuned to me with empathy as we continue to eat. I begin to realize what I need from my heart: to receive her empathy and concern as love. "I'm concerned about our visit next week to your parents. Are you going to be ok?" In my insecurity and resulting defensiveness, I sometimes hear that concern as she wants me to behave, not have any mood issues and be the 'good' boy. That's not what she is saying and I battle through that one in my mind. It begins to sink in: "it is ok to be scared..it's going to be ok." I start to feel some of the love that is always there within the wounds' reach. My God is in that broken place. That feels good. "It's ok." Our youngest daughter, Sarah, begins to giggle and my heart stops to take that love in. I'm coming back...it feels good...I feel safe again. The journey is not over. My heart is not dead. My God is close. My wife expresses His love and grace like no other. It has been another good day on the journey. I'm ready to go again.
May the Lord Bless you today on your Journey.
Peace,
David
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Finding Strength in Weakness
Some thoughts from the past on the effects of brokenness:
Earlier this year I was able to accomplish a feat that I had always desired to do. This was a feat that I had tried for years to begin and accomplish. It seemed to always elude me no matter how much I motivated myself and received encouragement and sometimes admonishment from others to do. I wish I could tell you it was a feat such as climbing Yosemite’s half dome (which I missed summiting last year by one-half mile) or winning a 5k run event (which I never even entered). Although those would be awesome accomplishments to attain, the one I was able to attain and then maintain was flossing my teeth. Yes, flossing my teeth!!! I can only imagine what you might be thinking at this point: “Dave has finally lost it.” Or “Dave, you have such high goals for your life.” Or “We never knew and now we wished we didn’t.” But bear with me for a moment. This accomplishment symbolized an aspect of my life that for years I had never seen about my self and then thought I could never achieve it: Taking care of myself. For years my shame from my sexual acting out had not only covered things around my heart but also stole away energy and awareness of the need to take care of my heart and body. For years when I would visit the dentist, my hygienist or the dentist would say, “Dave, if you would only take 2 minutes a day and floss, you would save your self so much grief around cavities and fillings.” And I would leave the dentist sometimes feeling guilty and sometimes feeling empowered only to never begin the practice and finding myself feeling defeated and weak again. When I first began recovery for Sexual Addiction in late 1995, my sexual addiction was not the only mess in my life. In actuality my whole life was a mess! Flossing wasn’t the only thing I wasn’t doing for myself. The Lord began to reveal so many weaknesses as He and I began to address the sexual addiction. For starters, I was in financial debt up to my eyeballs, my desk in my office could never be seen for the piles and piles of papers I rarely ever filed or threw away, and I would always complain I was tired even if I had gotten 8 hours of sleep the night before. The shame around these weaknesses was for me much like the shame I felt around my sexual acting out. I was so afraid of being seen as weak yet that is what I was. Not so much from the weaknesses themselves but rather from the denial, hiding and resentment I had around my heart. For me I lived as if taking care of my heart and my life was for someone else to do..
When I married my wife, Rebecca, I think she thought she was getting a full-grown responsible man who knew how to take care of himself. Instead she got a seven year old boy scared to death of responsibility and taking care of himself. I leaned so much on Rebecca to be that strength for me. She couldn’t. And it was also not her role to do that for me. I had to begin to face these weaknesses and the condition of my heart head on. And the revealing of my sexual addiction did just that. But I was not alone in beginning to face the weaknesses. The apostle Paul speaks of facing his weaknesses in II Corinthians. Speaking of his weakness he writes, “At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then He told me, ‘My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.’ …so the weaker I get, the stronger I become (2 Corinthians 12:8-9,10b, MSG).” When I first read this passage in recovery I was somewhat encouraged but at that point much more scared and doubtful at the prospect of finding strength in weakness. Looking at my weaknesses would mean dropping my guard. But as I began to drop my guard and look at my weaknesses, a funny thing happened. I began to feel strength. The strength to sit in a financial seminar and begin to learn to budget. The strength to begin to take the time each week to file papers and organize my desk. The strength to begin to eat and sleep properly and care for my body and emotions. And the strength to floss my teeth. I believe that as God began to help me face my weaknesses and truly see my heart, His covering of grace allowed me to have strength to do even the smallest of tasks in my life. The responsibility of taking care of my heart and life began to happen out of the grace and strength He gave me in facing my weaknesses..
Sisters and Brothers, His grace is our covering as we step out of our hiding place and begin to look at the weaknesses He reveals in our hearts. What areas of weakness has the Lord began to reveal in your heart as your shame and guard begin to come down? Write them down and begin to talk about them with someone within a safe, healing relationship. Remember, His grace is enough. It’s all the strength you will need.
Peace,
David
Earlier this year I was able to accomplish a feat that I had always desired to do. This was a feat that I had tried for years to begin and accomplish. It seemed to always elude me no matter how much I motivated myself and received encouragement and sometimes admonishment from others to do. I wish I could tell you it was a feat such as climbing Yosemite’s half dome (which I missed summiting last year by one-half mile) or winning a 5k run event (which I never even entered). Although those would be awesome accomplishments to attain, the one I was able to attain and then maintain was flossing my teeth. Yes, flossing my teeth!!! I can only imagine what you might be thinking at this point: “Dave has finally lost it.” Or “Dave, you have such high goals for your life.” Or “We never knew and now we wished we didn’t.” But bear with me for a moment. This accomplishment symbolized an aspect of my life that for years I had never seen about my self and then thought I could never achieve it: Taking care of myself. For years my shame from my sexual acting out had not only covered things around my heart but also stole away energy and awareness of the need to take care of my heart and body. For years when I would visit the dentist, my hygienist or the dentist would say, “Dave, if you would only take 2 minutes a day and floss, you would save your self so much grief around cavities and fillings.” And I would leave the dentist sometimes feeling guilty and sometimes feeling empowered only to never begin the practice and finding myself feeling defeated and weak again. When I first began recovery for Sexual Addiction in late 1995, my sexual addiction was not the only mess in my life. In actuality my whole life was a mess! Flossing wasn’t the only thing I wasn’t doing for myself. The Lord began to reveal so many weaknesses as He and I began to address the sexual addiction. For starters, I was in financial debt up to my eyeballs, my desk in my office could never be seen for the piles and piles of papers I rarely ever filed or threw away, and I would always complain I was tired even if I had gotten 8 hours of sleep the night before. The shame around these weaknesses was for me much like the shame I felt around my sexual acting out. I was so afraid of being seen as weak yet that is what I was. Not so much from the weaknesses themselves but rather from the denial, hiding and resentment I had around my heart. For me I lived as if taking care of my heart and my life was for someone else to do..
When I married my wife, Rebecca, I think she thought she was getting a full-grown responsible man who knew how to take care of himself. Instead she got a seven year old boy scared to death of responsibility and taking care of himself. I leaned so much on Rebecca to be that strength for me. She couldn’t. And it was also not her role to do that for me. I had to begin to face these weaknesses and the condition of my heart head on. And the revealing of my sexual addiction did just that. But I was not alone in beginning to face the weaknesses. The apostle Paul speaks of facing his weaknesses in II Corinthians. Speaking of his weakness he writes, “At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then He told me, ‘My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.’ …so the weaker I get, the stronger I become (2 Corinthians 12:8-9,10b, MSG).” When I first read this passage in recovery I was somewhat encouraged but at that point much more scared and doubtful at the prospect of finding strength in weakness. Looking at my weaknesses would mean dropping my guard. But as I began to drop my guard and look at my weaknesses, a funny thing happened. I began to feel strength. The strength to sit in a financial seminar and begin to learn to budget. The strength to begin to take the time each week to file papers and organize my desk. The strength to begin to eat and sleep properly and care for my body and emotions. And the strength to floss my teeth. I believe that as God began to help me face my weaknesses and truly see my heart, His covering of grace allowed me to have strength to do even the smallest of tasks in my life. The responsibility of taking care of my heart and life began to happen out of the grace and strength He gave me in facing my weaknesses..
Sisters and Brothers, His grace is our covering as we step out of our hiding place and begin to look at the weaknesses He reveals in our hearts. What areas of weakness has the Lord began to reveal in your heart as your shame and guard begin to come down? Write them down and begin to talk about them with someone within a safe, healing relationship. Remember, His grace is enough. It’s all the strength you will need.
Peace,
David
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
That Gut Feeling
Over the last several days I have gotten the question, "David, what do you think of the Haggard situation?" My first response is sadness for him, his family and church family in Colorado. The pain of sexual sin and brokenness effects so many hearts and lives for a long time.
My second response is more of a concern. I'm concerned that we as people might let another opportunity to examine that feeling in our gut around our own brokenness and shame flutter away once again. As the Ted Haggard situation unfolded over the course of this past weekend, my guess is that there were probably many silent sighs filled with relief or more fear: "Whew! I'm glad it was not me." or "Wow! That could have been me." or "I hope it is not me in the future." or "Could my husband do the same?" or "How could he do such a thing. I would never...." Phrases in the gut and heart that need further examination and understanding.
I don't see this as a wake-up call for the church - we are way past that historically apathetic response. It is time for an individual answering of that gut feeling of brokenness and fear. An answering of that gut feeling of brokenness may require the strength and courage to talk about the things we have vowed for years to never let out. Where might the safe places be to allow this to happen? We desperately need more of those safe places...safe hearts. It will not be long before the Ted Haggard affair will hit the blog archives and media back burner. I hope that our hearts will not do the same but rather begin to live, express, and answer from weakness.
Peace,
David
My second response is more of a concern. I'm concerned that we as people might let another opportunity to examine that feeling in our gut around our own brokenness and shame flutter away once again. As the Ted Haggard situation unfolded over the course of this past weekend, my guess is that there were probably many silent sighs filled with relief or more fear: "Whew! I'm glad it was not me." or "Wow! That could have been me." or "I hope it is not me in the future." or "Could my husband do the same?" or "How could he do such a thing. I would never...." Phrases in the gut and heart that need further examination and understanding.
I don't see this as a wake-up call for the church - we are way past that historically apathetic response. It is time for an individual answering of that gut feeling of brokenness and fear. An answering of that gut feeling of brokenness may require the strength and courage to talk about the things we have vowed for years to never let out. Where might the safe places be to allow this to happen? We desperately need more of those safe places...safe hearts. It will not be long before the Ted Haggard affair will hit the blog archives and media back burner. I hope that our hearts will not do the same but rather begin to live, express, and answer from weakness.
Peace,
David
Maybe Sexual Brokenness Goes Deeper
Interesting study published recently... Maybe it is not as simple to just-say-no to sex...further discernment from the heart may be necessary.....How might the social/cultural factors play into the heart perspective?
Why young people don't use condoms
Social, cultural factors influence decisions, researchers say
Reuters
Updated: 8:36 a.m. PT Nov 3, 2006
LONDON - Social and cultural factors, not just unavailability or ignorance, influence why young people do not use condoms, researchers said on Friday.
Some sexually active people under 25 years of age associate condoms with a lack of trust, while others believe carrying them could imply sexual experience, which might be a plus for men but not necessarily for women...The studies, carried out between 1990-2004, showed that young people assess a potential partner’s disease risk, and the need for a condom, by their appearance and how well they know them socially.
Men were expected to be highly sexually active and women were expected to be chaste, according to data from countries including Britain, Australia, Mexico and South America.
“Our findings help explain why many HIV programs have not been effective,” the researchers said.
“Programs that merely provide information and condoms, without addressing the crucial social factors identified are only tackling part of the problem,” they added.
URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15545100/from/ET/
Social, cultural factors influence decisions, researchers say
Reuters
Updated: 8:36 a.m. PT Nov 3, 2006
LONDON - Social and cultural factors, not just unavailability or ignorance, influence why young people do not use condoms, researchers said on Friday.
Some sexually active people under 25 years of age associate condoms with a lack of trust, while others believe carrying them could imply sexual experience, which might be a plus for men but not necessarily for women...The studies, carried out between 1990-2004, showed that young people assess a potential partner’s disease risk, and the need for a condom, by their appearance and how well they know them socially.
Men were expected to be highly sexually active and women were expected to be chaste, according to data from countries including Britain, Australia, Mexico and South America.
“Our findings help explain why many HIV programs have not been effective,” the researchers said.
“Programs that merely provide information and condoms, without addressing the crucial social factors identified are only tackling part of the problem,” they added.
URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15545100/from/ET/
Monday, November 06, 2006
The Porn Talk
Just returned from the most recent Every Man's Battle conference in Santa Clara, CA. I'm tired emotionally and physically but so encouraged by the hearts of men courageous enough to venture deep into the arena of sexual sin and struggle. Please keep these men in your prayers as they begin to set-up their battle plan to remain pure sexually and to begin restoring trust and credibility in their relationships with their loved ones. Please pray for the wives and fiancee's of the men as well. Their hearts are aching with pain and confusion. Pray that the Lord opens doors for their hearts to find rest and solace.
It's finally here!!!!!!!!!!!!
While I was at the conference the weekend, Mike and the team at Ethur and plainjoe studios launched the www.theporntalk.com website to help parents talk with their teens about porn. Look for my stuff under the expert's corner. Let me know what you think or if you have any questions.
I hope your heart is well this week. May the Lord bless you!
Peace,
David and Rebecca
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